my baby

She carried me in her womb for nine months... She felt sick for months with nausea, then she watched her feet swell & her skin stretch & tear; she struggled to climb stairs, she got breathless quick; she suffered many sleepless nights. She then went through excruciating pain to bring me into this world. Then, she became my nurse, my chef, my maid, my chauffeur, my biggest fan, my teacher, & my best friend. She's struggled for me, cried over me, hoped the best for me, & prayed for me. That's my mother, my everything and my world, and there is her story.

What a beautiful young woman she made, and what a beautiful, bright old woman she makes right now. She used to have this pretty short red hair. With these amazing brown-greenish eyes, and the amazing smile that never left her face. She took care of herself, always dressed beautifully and wore makeup. Her lipstick would stuck on my face whenever she kissed me. She cared for everyone, old, young, retard, disabled. Nothing stood in her way, she was such a talented young woman with this big heart where the whole world can fit in it. Wow! The faith she had. She had tons of it.  She knew how to do everything on her own, she knew what she wanted.  She is married to this careless man, who thinks that he deserves more than her and more than the life he has. He just wanted a better life than the one he has I guess. Now She stood by him in better and worse.  He didn't really give her any attention. So she was desperate for some; therefore she changed her hair, hair color, makeup, but it wasn't enough; he wanted a thin chick with this perfect figure that she didn't have. He knew it was the only thing lacking her, so she tried. She tried all sorts of diets, but nothing worked.

Even though she was one of the most beautiful women over there, she never felt it. Little did she know nor feel.

She was a stay at home mom. Her husband didn't buy her clothes nor did he give her any money, he was a cheap man. That didn't really stop her from getting some on her own. So she started her own business in cutting hair, waxing women, she did their eye brows, hair, makeup, etc. With that money she bought a sewing machine and she sewed their clothes as well.

 She was a neat freak, her house was so clean. At that time, she had 4 kids, two girls and two boys. She deprived herself from things she wanted and bought them whatever they needed, 'cause their father was too busy chatting online or out with his friends,  basically she's the one who raised them, with a little help from her husband.

Like all women, she hoped for the best, she wanted more, she wanted a nice house  and a beautiful green garden. She tried to make that garden she always wanted but she didn't have the proper tools for it. So she gave up on this garden.
She kept asking her husband to give her money to buy the stuff she wanted for the house, but he always said no. They fought all the time. He'd hurt her all of her life. But she is still with him.
She was well-educated and well-mannered, fought for her beliefs.  knew how to treat people, didn't show anyone how miserable her life was, and she always had that beautiful smile on her face. She laughed at the battles she didn't win, loved her parents, especially her mom, and her five sisters and three brothers. They were so close to each other, some people envied them for their relationship; they wanted them to fall, they wanted something bad to happen, and soon enough their wish came true. Her precious mother had cancer, breast cancer.  Her mother had had it for three years without knowing.  But when it started to show, this disgusting whole appeared on the side of her left breast. At first, she couldn't believe it, she didn't want to believe it, she was terrified. After a while, she found it hard to breath, she went to a simple check up, when she finished it, she heard two nurses whispering " poor thing, she's too young" they said.  It scared her for a bit but she had too much to worry about so she ignored it, one summer day, she way lying down with her husband on the bed in their room, the phone rang, her husband answered, "hello" he said, then he just listened to whoever was on the phone, he looked like he's in shock, he couldn't breath, but somehow, she knew, she started to scream and weep, "I HAVE CANCER, DON'T I??!! " she said. She started shacking him, she wanted him to answer her, she yelled more and more, she wallowed, then he held her hand, "We will get over it" he said.  She looked at him, and at her scared kids that were looking at their Mommy crying and screaming, and cried some more. She couldn't believe that this is actually happening to her. She had never imagined herself with even gray hair, now she has to deal with cancer. At first she kept it a secret, first because she knew if her sick mom knew, then she will immediately die. Second, she knew that she is living with an ignorant society, and her, having cancer, would make some of them happy and the other half use it as a prove of how she deserved it. But because its such a small town, they knew, and they made  fun of her, but some, really loved her, they almost had heart attacks once they knew. Somehow, her mother knew, she almost died, she cried, well, both of them cried, and gosh what a heart breaker, to see these amazing women hugging each other and crying for their luck and life.  When one didn’t feel well, the other would go make food, even when she felt so tired and just couldn't walk. Time passed, she went to every appointment she had, and they told her that she gotta start her chemotherapy on the fourth of December 2009. But at that exact day, her mother died. She was sleeping at her house, and her house phone rang at 7am, she answered, and then all what everyone heard was "MY MOTHER IS DEAD!!!!!! MY MOTHER IS DEAD!!" she screamed.  It's like she didn't believe it and just wanted to share her misery with all the world, she ran bare foot to her mother's house with this pain in her heart, screaming, crying and slapping her face, so she wakes up from this awful nightmare.

After her mother's death, everything in her life started to fall apart. Her relationship with her family, her health, her desire to live, and no one tried to make it easy for her, her father got married and started a new life. Her husband start using her illness against her. He was desperate to get married but he was afraid of what people might say. That’s the only reason that stopped him. She took two kinds of therapy. She didn't give up on herself, even though at times she wanted to die, because they diagnosed her best friend with cancer and within two months, she died. It killed her. Her best friend left 7 children, 5 beautiful girls and 2 boys. So she couldn't take it. But in spite of that; she fought cancer, she fought it hard, she fought it with every thing she had, she fought it to honor her loved once, and won this battle for once in her life. She won it for her mother, she won it for her best friend,  she won it for herself, she won it for her children, she won it to prove to everyone on this earth that she deserves to live.

I wonder sometimes what I've done to deserve to live with such an amazing person such as herself, I think I'm so lucky to have her as my mother, I'm proud to say that she is the one who raised me, she is the one who taught me how to fight this world, she is the who gave me the desire to live, she gave me hope, she made me believe and know that I deserve only the best, she made me feel safe, she hugged me, wished the best for me, cared for me, and just was there all my life to support me, gosh, how could a person have such a huge heart, strength, and faith. She is a hardworking mom, and she is my hero, has helped me as much as she could no matter how good or bad I was, and is just the best Mom ever; and I think that I'm just blessed to still have her in my life. I mean goshhh you can replace a lot of people in life, but you only have one Mommy......and remember -anyone can be a mother but it takes someone special to be a Mom!

I'm so thankful for my mom, I thank God everyday for having her. She is everything I have in this world, she is my mother for fuck sake.

I will always honor, respect and love her, I will never ever forget what she have done for me and still doing just to keep the tears away from my face.

Mom; This one is for you love.

Every one has an angel, a guardian who watches over us, we can't know what form they'll take; one day old man, the next day, little girl. But don't let appearances fool you. They can be as fierce as a dragon. Yet they are not here to fight our battles but to whisper from our heart reminding that its us, its everyone of us who holds the power of the world that we create. Who honors those we love for the very life we live, who teaches us whats real and how to laugh at lies    Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend, who change us and who holds the key that can set us free.

Change.

As we grow older it becomes difficult to just believe. It's not that we don't want to, But too much had happened that we just can't.

The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination. Your life as an adult and your life as a kid, the difference between them is just magnificent .

 While growing up, life teaches you that nothing stays the same; It's a fact actually, and everyone knows it. The happy ones won't stay happy for too long, the sad ones won't stay sad for too long, the rich ones won't stay rich, and the poor ones will probably stay poor for the rest of their lives. It depends though. Don't ask me on what. 'cause I wouldn't have the  answer .

So we take life as a silly game. In order to survive it; we have to play it well; without  cheating. We have to be honest, decent, humble, we have to believe and hope for the best, we have to know how to fight it. And then; you survive .

As kids, we didn't have to worry about anything, 'cause we knew as long as we had our parents by our side, then everything will be okay. and we knew that it will never change, the people we love will always stay there for us. Back then, "death" didn't exit. we knew how to over come pain, everything was possible, reachable, painless and imaginable. somehow, we knew that every thing will stay as it is. But if it does change , it will change for the better, the best. 'cause kids always look at the bright side in everything, they see the good in the bad .

But it just never crossed our minds for even one second that our lives will turn upside-down; for the worst . so from now on, expect the worst.

'cause shit will happen, you might lose your loved ones in a flash light. You might see your precious ones suffer from cancer,  without being able to do anything about it, you just stand there, you just watch them get hurt. but knowing that you're the one who should have it, sometimes makes it better. 'cause they've suffered enough during the past years.  You might see your precious little brother work his ass off all night long just so he could have a decent life, a life that his friends have. You might be the only one who got two jobs in your area. Your dad might try to kill you, chock you to death. You might get raped by someone who's close to your family. You might try to take all your anger out and sleep with a sick horny man who got a PHD and a different religion; and that man might be your professor. You might feel like you're trapped in this tiny cage without even knowing how to get the fuck out of it, the one that got the key will make you wear, act and do whatever they want, knowing that the one who got the key is a fucking ignorant will probably kill you  inside, 'cause it means that you will never get out of that dark, tiny cage. Even with the huge potential you have; of having a great life. The fact that this ignorant motherfucker gets to decide how you're going to live your life will probably kill you a little every day. You might lose the one you love for a life you'll never have. And one night might ruin your life, You, might ruin your life. You might think of running away but then guilt takes over and you just stand there, you just stand there without trying to do anything about it.  Your selfish oldest sister might become the main source of pain even when you're ready to destroy any one who tries to harm her. You might be surrounded with lots of people but you still feel lonely; Those people might be dying just to see you fall.  You might find it hard to believe that this is your story, your life, that it's you. But soon enough, you'll get used to the idea that everything changes . 

We just didn't realize all that as kids, 'cause fairy dust was all over the place, we believed in magic, we played pretend, we hoped, we crossed our fingers and just made these silly wishes. we wanted a brighter future than the present we had. We thought that the only thing we had to grieve is just death, and at some point of our lives; we all want to grow up. We were desperate to get to this point. We grabed all the opportunities we had to just grow older and "live" .
We didn't know that life had lots of surprises in store for us . we didn't understand the "game of life" we didn't know the rules, and how to fight it, or even how to live right. we just stood there and let bad things take over our lives, our hearts, our families and loved ones .

So ; life will prove that it isn’t just death we have to grieve; it's life, it's loss, it's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so fucking much, has to hurt so bad; the thing that we gotta try to remember is that it will teach us how to survive, how to live right, how to love again and how to not feel ashamed of yourself, of your life .

Back then, when we were little, we didn't think about the fact that it's going to be cold out here. Really freaking cold. All we wanted was to grow up. we didn't know that growing up sometimes means leaving people behind. And by the time we stand on our own two feet, we realize that we're standing here all alone. but that doesn't mean that you have to give up, it doesn't mean that you're the only one who's in pain, or the only one who got a shitty life, somehow, we all do, we all taste the bad, and good, the sweet and bitter, so if you're walking through hell; keep walking, 'cause maybe, just maybe, it will all turn around, to the best.

Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But here's the truth...the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes change might be good. sometime change might be everything.

just venting xD

I just can't seem to understand some people. Ughhhhhhh like when some say,"I love you" to just, anybody basically. has literally everyone forgotten how strong the feeling of love is? I only love my closest friends, and only say 'I love you' if I really mean it. I'm not saying, oh i'm the best, be like me. but you know, think about what you're actually saying .


or when people fake being nice,like when they try be someone they ain't. by copying other people's actions and thoughts, and just act as if they own those thoughts, as if they are the ones who created 'em thoughts. Are you seriosuly doing it? look at your self. 
or when some ignorant motherfucker discriminates against someone for their: weight, sexual preference, race, physical appearance, physical traits (disabilities or abilities), religion, gender, et cetera. I can't understand people who actaully are this way. I don't have anyone who acts like that sick way in my life.I hate it. I won't hesitate to harm anyone who is like that.  I mean gosh who gives you the right; under any circumstances, to treat people like shit? at the end we all are the same. humans. 



or when you help someone out in their darkest times, Then they turn around and show no respect for you later. hun, be thankful for having me in your life. 
or when they get into stuff that are non of their damn business. I mean seriosuly, do you want a slap across the face? Bitch, Get a freaking life.


also when they talk shit behind your back and then smile to your face like nothing happened. oh well, sweetheart, I would love to punch you right in the face, but honestly , I wouldn't know which one to punch first. you are that two faced.


Facebook.
you know those people that have on their accounts like, an arrow to their picture saying things like;
that's me, get over it.
um... get over what love? do you actually know what you're saying?
or like;
to the left to the left everything you want is to the left.
okay, it was quite clever at first, but come on, using beyoncé's lyrics is kinda old now, and no,we don't want everything to the left thanks! 
or when people upload photos of themselves then say, oh i'm really really ugly. um, Don't upload the photo then, for literally anyone to see. simple as.

Now" facebook text typing"..Oh my goshh, this is possibly the most annoying thing ever. Why the hell do people do this? okay, I understand in phonetexts, as it's so much easier to just type gd instead of good, or lyk instead of like. but when you have a full keyboard infront of you, with commas, appostrophies.. etc. right infront you, why don't you use them? It literally makes you look thick, as if you can't spell, or don't know how to use them and when people use 'age' on the end of every fricking word now, What the hell is that all about?

Style now days. also, now girls are wearing loads of foundation which makes their faces orange? now, I wear foundation, like, the creamy/liquid foundation then a light layer of powder. but why wear so so so so so much that your face looks chalked? 'cause that looks worse than not wearing it at all. and now people are putting foundation on their lips? do you realize how crap that actually looks? you have white lips. white lips? oh wow!. and you see the line where the founation stops, which looks totally stupid.



man, people suck! xD


oh and yes. I'm having one of my moments xD.